anxiety

The Best Laid Plans, and all that

So today was slated to be the beginning of a new reality for me, where I began my days at 4:30 to start my life as a mass transit commuter. However, it seems fate had other plans. Although I was woke up on a few times, and then finally was fully awake at 3:00am I still ended up driving. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you.

At 4:30, just as my alarm went off (not that I was asleep) my son appeared at my bedroom door to tell me he was heading for the hospital. He’s had pain in his chest for several months now, and after seeing one doctor some time ago who pronounced it a ‘dry spot between his lung and chest cavity’ and gave him some antibiotics (which he couldn’t take because he is unable to swallow pills and didn’t think to mention that to the doctor) the condition has been getting worse. Needless to say even if I wasn’t planning to get up then there was no sleeping after that anyway.

Now I’m on pins and needles waiting to hear what the prognosis is. It’s been five hours since his girlfriend took him to the hospital, and I’m not even sure which hospital.

As you can imagine, I have been pulling Tarot cards like there’s no tomorrow. Oddly, I pulled three last night that might have been a sign of things to come. I wish I had the deck with me, but I used the Vampire Tarot by Nathalie Hertz and pulled the 9 of Cups, 7 of Wands and 10 of Pentacles. It was just one of those ‘no question, just a state of the state’ kind of readings. Then this morning, after all this of course I had to pull more cards. Again, using the Hertz Vampire Tarot, just after it flashed through my mind it was the one card I did NOT want, the first card I pulled was (wait for it) Death.  I don’t even remember the next two cards, but they seemed to hint at a new reality for my son. I pulled more cards with the Sun and Moon deck by Vanessa de Cort. Those are a blur now too, can’t recall much except for Judgement and the Emperor. I do remember with all the cards I pulled this morning there was a preponderance of Swords (quelle surprise). Other than that a lot of pentacles.

I decided today was not the day to be without a car, in case I needed to leave work quickly so depending on what happens today I will start the train rides tomorrow. I even bought the two-week pass yesterday, but was too nervous about my son to want to tack on more nervousness of trying to make my way to work on the trains. I’m sure it will be fine once I’ve done it, but today I didn’t want to have to worry about missing a connection and being late to work on top of everything else.

Last night I finally cracked open one of my Merryday Tarot decks (I ended up with two, although neither was a freebie this time). My final card I am going to pull today (well, depending on what the news is) was from that deck, the Six of Swords. Oddly, in this deck, the subtitle is ‘Motivation.’ The picture still shows a boat being punted across a lake or river, with six swords standing in the deck of it, although the two figures of a woman and child that we see in most of the Rider-Waite-Smith clones are gone. The water is still choppy and rough on the right side, but smooth and inviting on the left. There are three sailboats pictured at the far end of the lake, but whether they are moving towards or away from the figure on the dragon boat is unclear. He may be racing to catch them, or get away from them. He appears to be making for the shore, I’m hoping this portends a move away from the anxiety I am now feeling waiting for news of my son’s condition, and towards a safe haven.

Merryday 6 of Swords

Closing in on six hours now with no word.