As most of you guys know, I’m working on my first vampire story. I’ve never really been a vampire fan, I never read any of Anne Rice’s books, or any vampire literature until a few months ago when I finally read Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I’ve also just finished reading Sheridan Lefanu’s Carmilla, apparently a classic in the genre which I stumbled across in a book I’ve had for probably twenty years and never read, a relic of the days when I belonged to about six mail-order book clubs (this one came from Doubleday) titled Masterpieces of Terror and the Supernatural. It also includes Poe’s Hop-frog, a short by Stoker that may have been intended to be the original first chapter of Dracula, and stories by Mary Shelley, Ogden Nash, Dylan Thomas, Theodore Sturgeon, and many others. I’m not sure yet how many of them are about vampires, other than Carmilla.
Anyway, I have been amazed by how much vampire literature is out there, and the range of styles, from outright soul-sucking evil to the romantic, even x-rated stories of today. Stoker’s story may have set the vampire in the popular imagination of today, but prior to him the depiction of vampires was not all fangs and glowing eyes and hideous evil. As the pendulum swings back and we get portraits of every type of vampire you can imagine (and some you can’t, won’t, or shouldn’t) I wonder at the lasting appeal of these creatures in the human imagination.
As most of you guys also know, I am single and have been in the dating world for some time, and it ain’t pretty. So after many years of meeting your basic Neanderthal again and again I admit I am starting to see the appeal of the vampire. Herewith: some of my top reasons why I suspect women love vampires. (Yes there are more than 10 reasons, but titling the post “A bunch of reasons why women love vampires” didn’t have the same ring as the Top-Ten List does). This is all completely tongue-in-cheek, just for a laugh, so please don’t get your knickers in a twist.
12. They have a sense of style, without necessarily having to be gay.
11. You’ll never see one with a beer gut
10. They don’t have any interest in hunting, fishing, or camping
9. You will never see a photograph of a vampire posed with a dead animal carcass
8. They will not insist on bringing stuffed dead animal carcasses into the home
7. They’re mostly clean-shaven (off-hand I can’t think of any with facial hair)
6. Flatulence never troubles them
5. They don’t sit around swilling beer, watching sports on tv all day
4. They actually seem to like women
3. We don’t have to cook for them
2. They never ask us to do their laundry
and the #1 reason:
1. You never have to worry about meeting their mother!