Endings and Beginnings


I have to apologize, this week’s card is perhaps not as uplifting as some of the others. There is truth in the quote, though. How could an ending not mean a new beginning?

The image reminded me of what some of my own ancestors must have gone through, leaving their ancestral homes, never to return or again see the family they left behind. I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been. The Eight of Cups is a card that tells of turning our backs on something, running away, leaving something behind. I think right now I’d like to run away from my job, even though I know it would be a mistake. The pay is good, the benefits are good, the environment is pleasant enough. I can’t say I care for most of the people I work with, it’s an odd atmosphere in that respect. I’ve just never been so stressed about a job in my life. I don’t know that it’s worth it. Even if I could find another position now, it wouldn’t look good to bail four short months into this. That’d be hard to explain in an interview. I should try to tough it out for a year, anyway. I’m sorry to whine and complain, I’m fully aware there are people out there who have been looking for work for a long time (several of my co-workers from my last company who were laid off when I was are still unemployed), and I should be grateful to be working, and I am. I just can’t like this job. I was excited about it before I started, but it’s turned out to be nothing like I was expecting, nothing I was prepared for.

Weekends go by in a blur, and before I know it it’s Sunday evening and I’m already dreading Monday morning. I’m increasingly frustrated that I have so little time to write now. If the commute wasn’t as long as it is, and I wasn’t so completely drained by the time I get home at night I might be able to get something accomplished. NaNoWriMo isn’t even a remote possibility this year, even if I wanted to participate. I’ve got enough in the works now that I couldn’t justify signing up for it again anyway. Good thing, because I just don’t have the time.

I should look at it as a new beginning, but all I want to do is run away. I know, it’s childish. I need to just pick myself up by my bootstraps and get on with it.

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15 thoughts on “Endings and Beginnings

      1. What Phil said – that was really sweet, dear, and surely true.
        Your post resonates with me on all kinds of levels. Where would all of us children & grandchildren of immigrants be, if our folks hadn’t made those sacrifices and gone through those scary new beginnings?

        As for your sitch, DD, there’s no bit of inspirational wisdom that can fix it for you. What are the odds you can find something in a different department, within the organization? If another offer comes up, it’d be completely plausible to tell them that you took this gig b/c it was the best offer at the time, but you’ve still been looking all this time. In the meantime, keep cashing those paychecks so you can jump on your new motorcycle and ride off into the sunset!

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  1. I kind of felt that way too last night when I realized I had to go to work today! I know it’s not a rational idea, but sometimes, on the weekends, I get selective memory and “forget” that I have to back to work.

    I am absolutely a believer in fate and the idea that most people hate: “Everything happens for a reason.” Yes, I am aware that things are capable of happening at random but, they are still key factors in changing the events of your life.

    The point of that phrase is that each and every thing that happens to use comes with intended and unintended consequences. Each decision we make effects thousands of other lives, even if we don’t feel or see it ourselves.

    In my line of work, I am sure I have helped thousands of people have a better quality of life. And I’m sure that one or two small mistakes I made in my career could have possibly made others very very difficult.

    What i’m getting at here, is that although there are aspects of my job that I like….(working with my hands, building things, the challenge of successfully repairing something that is broken and was assembled many years before I was ever born, the house on Napoleon Ave.)….there are many that I hate, and give me that ‘punched in the stomach” feeling when I think about going back to work today.

    For most of us, we just have to find that one “House on Napoleon Ave.” that we can look forward to doing every day and do whatever we can to magnify it and hold onto it as much as possible so it drowns out the “noise” of everything we hate about being at work.

    I know how you feel about not having time to write. Many years ago, you couldn’t find me without my sketch pad and my box of colored pencils. I used to fill up sketch pads so fast I went to buying them in bulk to save money. I wore down my pencils to tiny numbs in a matter of weeks. I loved to draw and create things from my imagination. But with my responsibilities I have now, it just isn’t possible to fully engage that part of my creativity any more. And I miss it terribly. There is physical pain, not imagined, when an artist can not create, whatever the medium he or she chooses.

    I hope you can find a house on Napoleon ave. soon. I’m sure there is one somewhere.

    Have a better Monday, D.D.

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    1. Thanks, Eric, I appreciate your thoughts on this and good wishes. I do know that where I work now is touching many lives, in very important ways, so I have that satisfaction even if my own contribution here is quite modest (although I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t completely necessary).

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  2. Hi DD, I want to just let you know when you see me on your page with only pressing the “like” button it will be a symbolize for me of giving you a hug. Sometimes I don’t know what to say and other times words would not make an impact as a hug whether there or virtual. Love you DD, keep your chin up…all will work out in good time.

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    1. Thanks so much, Susannah. I’m glad you enjoy these. It can be very hard to see the positive side of something at times. I’m trying to have faith that the Cosmos is doing me a favor here, somehow, some way, that maybe just hasn’t manifested yet, or I haven’t had the good sense to see.

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  3. Was it Winston Churchill who said, ” When you’re going through Hell, keep going?” My last job was just like that: it didn’t matter what I did, or how hard I worked or how late how stayed, I never made any headway. At least, it didn’t feel as though I did. Yet I kept coming back until one day somebody told me I was done. I was so exhausted I was grateful to stop. But I agree with you — all will be revealed in time. You nailed all those feelings with this superb post.

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  4. Aww, thanks, Rosie 🙂 It’s getting to where there are good days and bad days, but at least I’ve slept better the last couple of nights. Maybe things are leveling off. I keep hoping. My boss is still indecipherable most days, insisting on meetings when key people are out of town, things like that. It’s a new level of frustration for me.

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    1. I like that card and the words remind me of one of my favorite sigs:”Ma fin est mon commencement.”

      I know it can be so tough doing a job that you really don’t like, but yet need. And all the thoughts for the peoplewho are out of work. All your emotions are totally human. You have no need to feel guity for them!

      I knowyou said you didn’t have time to NaNo or write much, but can you set aside even 10 min in the morning, afternoon, or evening? Even a tiny amount of time doing something you love is so helpful for keeping your spirits up.

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