Well. Here we are again. About a month away from wrapping up another year, and me watching in horror as my life flies by while toiling for meager wages. Yes I’m still grumbling. Yes I know I should be grateful I have a job, and I am. I just wish it left me some time to write. You may have noticed how my posting here on the blog has slowed down over the last few months. You can imagine what my creative writing endeavors consist of. :::cue screeching tires:::
Back at the beginning of the year, I chose not to make ‘resolutions‘, but instead set some goals to aim for. Well, I didn’t do too well at meeting them. Ok, I didn’t get anything done. And I should have, especially those four months I squandered when I was out of work. Oh how I wish I could have that time back now.
I did submit one story that was rejected :::sad trombone – Wah-wah::: but that’s ok. I know I’m going to get lots of rejections and honestly I kind of rushed that story and it could be better. A lot better. Feh.
So the big plan for the new year is to find a way out of this death spiral I’m trapped in. If I could figure out a way to work part-time and still be able to pay my bills… alas, that’s not very likely, is it? I feel like my whole life is work-centered: when I go to bed, when I wake up, from the minute I open my eyes around 5:00AM until I get home around 6:30PM, at which time I wash up dishes and start prepping for the next day. There’s no time left for a life.
I know people around the world live in far worse conditions, without food or clean water or medicine or education or heat… Is that it? Is that the yardstick for success? I’m not living in the gutters of Calcutta, so be happy and get over it?
To an extent, probably. But nothing was ever achieved by anyone who simply accepted their lot in life and gave up.
“A window of opportunity won’t open itself.”
– Dave Weinbaum
If you need me, I’ll be over here hatching some hare-brained plot.
fillingspaces.wordpress.com 
I’m not sure why human beings do this sort of thing. It starts off as a good practice with admirable qualities. “I’m going to start eating better. I’m going to exercise. Going to quit drinking, smoking, etc.” but then it always ends up with things such as, “I’m going to save more money! I’m going to start helping out at that homeless shelter! I’m going to visit the UN and settle this middle-east thing!!”
It’s like we can’t help but start stacking things onto us that are the most honorable of intentions but not necessarily realistic. Those things we can excuse because they were ambitious at the start and not really realistic to our life-style. I mean, I’d love to stop all the murders going on in New Orleans, at the moment, single-handedly. But, I’m not independently wealthy and own a mansion on the outskirts of Gotham where I can use a super computer and all kinds of gadgets to stop the bad guys. In short, (sigh) I am not Batman.
But I understand what you mean about the things like writing and pursuing what makes you happy. Those at least should be possible. And it makes you angry when something like your job stands just enough in your way that you can see what you want to do…but you can’t reach it.
It’s frustrating and infuriating.
I’ve been doing what I’m doing for a long while now. But every year takes me a little closer to that “watching in horror” thing. My father-in-law owns the company I work for. Every year he talks more and more about how he is tired of being here and how he is looking forward to me taking over.
Now, in passing that sounds like a good thing. And on many levels it is. But every time he mentions it, I get a feeling like being kicked in the stomach. There are mostly 2 reasons for this:
#1) It scares the living daylights out of me that I will be the end of the line. The one with whom the final responsibility rests. The care taker of not just the 3 lives that depend on me at home but 30 more entire families that will depend on me ,here, to make the right decisions. When that freight-train of responsibility finally rests squarely on my shoulders…. man what a terrifying feeling.
I am confident enough in myself to believe I can do it. But the consequences for failure have gone up to a massive height.
#2) I see how little time he has to do ANYTHING short of planning out strategy and evaluating financial reports. He never gets a moments rest. Even the weekends and on vacations the cellphone rings and there are people and things to deal with. I’m like you are now as far as time goes. I can’t imagine having even less.
So I understand where you are coming from DD. I wish there were some kind of consolation I could offer to you.
I don’t think it is selfish to want your situation to improve based on what you consider to be an improvement. I don’t think it’s improper to want other things in your life to be stable even though you are better off than others in the world. As long as you don’t honestly believe your situation is worse than theirs. There is nothing wrong with bitching about it every now and then. 😉
At least it shows you know what will make you happy. There are tons of people in the world who don’t even know the answer to that.
They are truly miserable.
Have a Good Holiday tomorrow and enjoy the 4 day weekend if you’ve got it!!
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Thanks Eric. I can see you get it. Re: taking over the company – People always think having their own company means they can come and go as they please, take Wednesday off to go sailing, etc., when in reality it’s more likely to mean working even MORE hours than they currently do. If you become wealthy enough to pay people to do all the planning, and crunch all the numbers for you then yeah, you probably can. The reality for most small business owners is they do all the work. Maybe you can find new ways of doing things when you take over, delegate more of it, find more efficient ways of doing things.
I’m willing to give up a lot to be able to gain more time for writing. As it is I live a relatively meager lifestyle. I have a really old car, I have never in my life had an actual ‘vacation’ where I went somewhere for a week and stayed in a hotel. Never. I’ve been in my house so long my mortgage is lower than most people’s rent on tiny little apartments. It’s not the lack of money that concerns me, I’ve always been poor, I can live like that. I just want time.
And yes, people who have no hopes or dreams, just drifting through life from cradle to grave… I can’t think of anything sadder. But maybe that’s the key to happiness: not wanting anything. At least according to Buddha. I’m not quite that Zen.
Thanks for the Thanksgiving wishes, I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your family. With my luck the drain will back up in the middle of cooking dinner and I’ll have to call a plumber out! But yes, I have 4 days off, I intend to enjoy them as fully as possible. With luck I’ll get a dry day and be able to take the bike out 🙂
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Thanks for the wishes, yourself. If you move a little closer to the middle of the planet I can help you with that drain problem. Louisiana to Oregon travel charges are expensive these days.
😉
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This is the middle, you’re on the outskirts! All in how you look at it 😉
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To heck with the resolutions, I say! (And I follow through on that idea every year, trust me. :)) Seriously, D.D., if you want to write, you will. You’ll find a way. You’ll make the time. You’ll do it. Not because you made a resolution, but because you made a decision — WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT. You’ll notice those capitals at the end there…yeah, that’s a key point. So instead of beating yourself up over the failed resolution, relax, breathe, and then WHEN YOU’RE READY (another key point ;)), start. Whether you do an hour a day or five minutes a day won’t matter because the words will add up. I promise. 🙂
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Hahaha, yeah to heck with resolutions! I suppose unplugging from the internet would be a good start at finding more time to write 😉
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This struck such a cord with me – working just to pay the bills, too tired to create…feeling at a loss. Ugh…I am happy though to read that you’ve been submitting. Rejection notices are like war medals. I save all of mine. S. King has all of his on a big nail fastened to a board in his bathroom. Brava Dame. You’ll figure it out,know you will. You are very smart.
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Forgive my sloppy comment. I’m very tired today.
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No worries 😉 Little tired today myself. Thanks for the encouragement!
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