Can This Mouse Roar?

:::aside to Jason – If you read this, I haven’t changed my mind about wanting the cover:::!Matthias.JPG


I’m having wild swings of emotion these days, due in part to the change of jobs coming up. I have one week left at my current job, after which I will start at the new job at my former company. For a few moments in the office the other day as I was training one of my co-workers to take over one of my job functions, I had a feeling of competence that I haven’t really had for the last two years. This place has done such a number on my self-worth I’ve begun to think of myself as an incompetent screw-up.

Now, however, trying to pass down what I know to others to hand off everything I do (and you should have seen the list of job functions my supervisor was trying to figure out how to parcel out among the others) I realized how much I DO know about my job, and how impossible it will be to transfer all of it. And that’s only with this one particular task. The office manager has been particularly nice to me the last few days, not sure what that means.

Big Boss, however, has been as cold to me as ever. She knows I’m leaving and hasn’t said more than a ‘good morning’ when she arrives in the office. She’s out of town all next week, so I will never see her again. If I had any doubts about this being the right move for my mental health, that removed them. Financially this may not be the best move, but there are more important things.

So now I’m having second thoughts about this whole book thing. Can I really do this? Should I?  I’m still editing. And rewriting. And terrified, basically. I don’t know where people get the confidence to go ahead with these things and market their books (relentlessly) online. Moments of “Why not?” alternate with “Why bother?” Despite some aperiodic Leonine bravado, I am a mouse at heart.

Maybe my psyche’s not as strong as it once was. The older we get the more we realize how little we know. I think I’ll go write and play with my imaginary friends.

11 thoughts on “Can This Mouse Roar?

  1. Wishing you the best of luck at your new job. Hope you find a sense of peace and fulfillment there that you were never able to at your present one.

    As for your book, I know you *do* have the strength to go for it. I’ve always liked that saying that courage isn’t the absence of fear, but being afraid and doing it anyway.


  2. Thank goodness you’ll never see her again. No one needs people like that in their life. Lots of luck in your new job.
    Just keep quietly working on your book–don’t worry about the marketing etc. yet. Make your book into what you want it to be; don’t think about how it will be received. But yeah, I know that “why bother” feeling. I think we’ve both been struggling with our books for the same amount of time. At first, I thought I was being lazy not getting around to just finishing it and putting it out there, but I later realized that it was because it really wasn’t ready the way it was. It was missing something, and now I’m working on putting that in. I’m still a long way away from ready, but I’m so glad I did take my time. When you get yours out there, I’ll be waiting, ready to read it.


    1. I’m sure even once it’s out there I’ll be finding ways I could have improved it, parts I could have written better, etc. But at some point I want to be done with this one and move on to the next.

      The Big Boss hated me on sight, I am not kidding. If you could have seen the look she gave me when we were first introduced… she didn’t say, hi, welcome, nice to meet you…nothing. And it was downhill from there. I’m so glad I’m leaving, words can hardly express it.


      1. Kudos to you for putting up with her for so long. No one can ever say that you didn’t give it your best. Hope they all miss you and the amazing job you did. Anyway, a person who judges before you’ve even said hi, or considers herself so superior, obviously has some serious problems. Glad you got outta there.
        I know what you mean about your book…pretty much exactly how I feel too. Wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure out what was missing from so many of my chapters/essays. Looking forward to RA!


  3. Wishing you the best, both with the new job and the book. I sadly know what you’re talking about. I have worked places that I felt didn’t really appreciate me, and I have heard they have struggled with ‘filling my shoes’ after I left. Hope your new job will be satisfying. I hope you continue with finishing your book. My book is released later this year. I am terrified at the thought (mouse here too), but if it gets butchered, at least I can tell myself I tried. I’ll want to read your book. So. Roar!


    1. I don’t mean to imply I need constant pats on the back, but this woman was openly hostile. I’ve never been in such a situation before.

      Thanks for the encouragement 🙂 And good luck to you with your own book! I’ll be eager to read yours as well. We mice can gather for tea and cheese, or whatever mice do to celebrate!


  4. DD, I can understand the monumental weight of the unknown on this one. But I still honestly believe that you are in a better position and in a better place than you have been in years.

    It’s a large leap of faith taking your foot off that stable rock in the middle of the stream. But I believe you will make it to the other side just as dry as can be.


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