To Whine, or Not To Whine

My tree this year is an 18″ decoration I picked up at Target close to 30 years ago. I couldn’t be bothered setting up the big tree.

So, is it time for my annual self-indulgent Christmas whine? You bet it is! This time of year always causes those feelings to resurface, and it’s not as if anything can be done about it. I guess it’s time to fully acknowledge that I will never feel about Christmas the way I used to, but it’s becoming more ok.

Holiday season is the loneliest time of year for many. I’m sure you all know that. This time of year I feel the loss of my family most acutely. I realize I had a very good childhood, and because of that I look back with such longing for those bygone days. So much of my family is gone, or far away, or simply estranged, making the memories of those happy, innocent days of my childhood that much more poignant. But many people, too many people, never had a safe, stable home with presents under the tree like I did.

Am I looking back with rose-colored glasses? Probably.

So what is “Christmas spirit” anyway? Every year it seems I see more and more people say they can’t find it, or they lost it. Are we all just longing for some idyllic time that perhaps never actually existed? Or is the stress of shopping and overspending on top of the pressures of everyday life just ruining it? I suppose I’m just missing those innocent days of believing in Santa Claus, while my parents dealt with the stress of putting the holiday together for us kids. But I genuinely enjoyed doing it for my own kids when they were little.

God knows neither of my parents had those perfect Christmases. My dad was born and grew up in Hell’s Kitchen in Manhattan, W. 51st Street. His own father died when my dad was only 18, in 1939. My mother immigrated from Norway when she was 12. Her parents had been in the U.S. for several years before they could afford to bring my mom and her sister over (1934), so she and my aunt lived with their grandmother who by all accounts was a very stern old Lutheran woman. I don’t think my mother ever psychologically recovered from having been separated from her mother.

Despite all that, it’s pretty amazing that my parents gave me and my sisters the quintessential American Christmas with tons of gifts and the family all gathered together. I’m just missing that. I was damn lucky to have that growing up. Too many people will never know that kind of warmth and joy. I should just be grateful that I had it at all, and make new traditions for myself now. And considering what else is going on in the world, I have nothing to complain about.

Anyway, enjoy the holiday in whatever way you can, even if it’s just a day off from work for you. Sending love and blessings and wishes for a good 2023 to everyone.

I’ve Lost That Christmas Spirit

Or maybe I found it.

Most folks probably know I’ve been out of work for the majority of this year, and that hasn’t changed. I had some promising interviews with Large Company that will not be named, but has so far come to nothing, so I’m still looking. Not sure if they’re ghosting me, or postponing the hiring process until after the holidays or what. Anyway, on we go.

I saw a tweet this morning of someone asking to be hit in the head with the “Christmas spirit” already, clearly not feeling the joy. I can relate. It’s actually been many years since I felt that special joy that is supposed to magically appear in December. Even with my own grown children, they take such a different approach to the holiday that it doesn’t do much to lift my mood. My younger son and his family aren’t even putting up a tree this year, first year in their own home, which even to me is almost incomprehensible. I hauled my artificial tree up out of the basement and decorated it by myself. I put out my little Christmas village of tea light holders, and so on. I don’t know why, since no one comes over and it’s just me and the cat in the house now. But I realized it cheers me just to see the pretty decorations.

I even made this little quilted wall hanging

But the biggest change this year, courtesy of my employment (or rather, lack of) situation is that I’m not giving any gifts. Can’t do it this year.

And you know what? It has destressed the season for me beyond belief. Occasionally I feel a momentary twinge of panic that I haven’t bought any gifts, but it soon passes and I go back to listening to the Christmas music on the radio and relaxing. I still have some baking to do, I promised pie and dinner rolls for dinner at my older son’s house. With the whole notion of gift-giving off the table, so to speak, I feel like it’s put everything in perspective and in its proper place. It’s not that I don’t enjoy giving gifts, but it’s not the end of the world that I can’t indulge the family this time around. If you’re in the same boat, I hope it won’t ruin the season for you entirely.

Wishing everyone a peaceful holiday season, and many blessings in the new year.

Christmas Sweet and Bitter

One of my favorite memories is my whole family together on Christmas Eve, trimming the tree together. My mother was born in Norway, and the tradition (at least in those days) was to put the tree up on Christmas Eve, so somehow she convinced Dad to go along with it). To help set the mood, Dad would get the reel-to-reel tape player set up with what I suppose was the one and only Christmas music reel we had. I don’t know how he made it, if he taped it off the radio or some LPs that we owned. This was the 1960s, after all. I remember the house we were living in then, a large old farmhouse in Massachusetts where we lived when Dad was involved in working on the Apollo space missions, and the same living room where we all gathered to watch Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. What a house that was. I still miss it.

Once the tree was placed in the stand, centered and straight and watered, Dad would string the lights, those enormous old C9 bulbs. Then my sisters and I would begin hanging the ornaments as high as we could reach. Dad did the top of the tree. I remember him singing “O Tannenbaum” in decent baritone as he reached to place ornaments on the branches. Once all the ornaments were in place, the tinsel went on. I love tinsel. I think it gives the tree a more magical, fairy-tale appearance than big bushy garlands. I don’t think anyone uses it anymore, though. I don’t dare now with my cats.

Both of my parents have been gone for a long time (Dad in 1983, Mom in 2006), so holidays have long been a bittersweet time for me. When I had my own children I tried to keep that festive family spirit alive. We were living on the opposite side of the country with no other family close by so it was all on me. In the last few years I’ve become estranged from the last of my sisters (I have four) who are all on the opposite coast anyway. It’s one reason I’ve chosen to stay on the west coast.

So, I listen to the old music and the classical Christmas music that my dad loved so much, and think of my mom whenever I hear her favorite, “Silver Bells.” The music helps me connect to happier times in a way that nothing else does. Maybe I spend too much time looking backwards. It’s a kind of homesickness, I think. As they say, you can never go home again.

That’s me on my mother’s lap, with Dad and 3 of my sisters (the youngest not born yet). The fireplace behind us had a door in the bottom that you could sweep the ashes into, down a chute to a clean-out in the basement. I assume it was to keep the ashes from getting all over the living room when the servants cleaned it out back in ye olden days. The house was built around 1850.

Welcoming the Doldrums

Now that the holidays are over, we coast into the doldrums of January, February, and March, that long stretch with no holidays or long weekends (well, some of you get Presidents Day, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day) that feel like they go on for six months, rather than three. Spring break looms for those with kids. For those without, life will go on pretty much as usual.

And I’m so there for it.

I have a complicated relationship with the end-of-year holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s. There’s a melancholy to them threading through the mirth. People who had happy childhoods have unhappy adulthoods, forever trying to recapture the joy of those happier years.

I had a large-ish family: Mom, Dad, and four sisters. In general, Christmas was a magical time, as indeed all of winter was for me. What child doesn’t love playing in the snow? And we got a lot of it. Holidays in our home were exciting and fun, even though for most of my childhood years we were quite poor. Mostly I remember Christmas lights glowing warmly on snowy evenings, electric candles in each window of the house. In those days nobody was doing those garish, hideous displays with tens of thousands of lights, trying to rival Disney’s Electrical Parade. There was one house in town that put up a homemade animated tableaus of large, 3-foot-tall elf dolls in working ski lifts, riding around on a carousel (elf-sized), working in Santa’s workshop, and all manner of things. It was a wonder, and it was charming. People came from all over to see it. It was written up in the local paper year after year.

But mostly I remember the warmth of Christmas, a child’s memories of it as magic. We always decorated the tree as a family on Christmas Eve (a tradition of my mother’s Norwegian upbringing), my dad singing “O Tannenbaum” in his baritone voice as he put tinsel and ornaments on the branches my sisters and I were too small to reach; Dad pulling out the old reel-to-reel tape player and cueing up the Christmas music. I will forever associate “The Troika” with my dad. One night when putting the youngest 3 of us to bed, my second-eldest sister (who has an incredible voice) sang “Silent Night”. Even then it made me cry.

I have moments when the music helps. My local classical music station does a 4-day “Festival of Carols” full of ancient music, familiar tunes done well, carols from around the world (the Finnish are some of my favorites), and it’s just glorious to listen to. Shame it’s only 4 days on the regular broadcast frequency (they have a new HD station that starts earlier, but I don’t have an HD radio). Now even the music has lost its spell. It’s been the one thing I’ve looked forward to over the years, the main thing that I could take solace in now that both of my parents are long dead, I’m estranged from most of my sisters, and all my aunts and uncles are gone. I’ve spent many Christmas Eves alone, put up and decorated trees by myself, because even though there was no one else to do it with, it was still a link to those happy days. This year the tree was put up without me, and taken down without me.

Christmas lights no longer cheer me; in fact they leave me cold. Maybe they’re just too pre-packaged and processed for my taste (don’t get me started on the inflatables). As I writer this, there are still a few folks who have their lights up and on even now, after the new year. I see them as I drive to work in the morning, and come home at night. The season just seems to have moved so far away from the gentle family celebration it once was I start to wonder if we’ve simply outgrown the spirit of it in the 21st century. It feels like if you didn’t get a new car for Christmas you’re doing it wrong. Maybe I just want to be a child again. I miss my mom and dad so much, even after all these years. There’s so much family drama and stress now, and most family traditions have gone by the wayside.

So I, at least, am glad the holidays are over, and I welcome the looming doldrums.

New Year, New Focus

So the new year is approaching and while I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore, the timing coincides with a resolve to stop wasting time and get more writing done and submissions sent out, as well as work on the sequel to Revenants Abroad, and finish the romance I started and have been posting at a glacial pace on Wattpad.

My problem (ok, one problem) is I have too many interests, but not the time to indulge in them. There’s a Star Trek:TNG episode in which an alien woman named Kamala (played by Famke Janssen) wows Capt. Picard with her knowledge of archaeology (a passion of his). He expresses surprise and admiration at this, and she tells him that she tries to stay informed on a wide range of topics. I envy people who can do that. I’ve always tried to read widely and learn as much as I could about whatever piqued my interest. Lately I’ve had to be realistic and acknowledge that I don’t have the luxury of time Kamala did. I can either spend tiny bits of time on a million things or I can focus more on my writing, which I’ve let slide to some degree while being distracted by politics and other things on Twitter. Oh my god I waste time on Twitter. My Craft studies have ground almost to a complete halt, with the one exception being my Tarot collecting. But collecting isn’t studying. I have a number of Tarot books that have been waiting for longer than I can say for me to get around to reading. And for Christmas I received a lovely new book on herbs which I’ve added to the TBR pile, Blackthorn’s Botanical Magic

While Twitter opened a wider world to me, and indeed can be a great help for writers with all the practical advice and wisdom, resources, and moral support, I have to learn how to put the brakes on. Maybe a time limit per day, or per week.

My aim this year is to devote the majority of my free time to writing, and things that help me along that path: reading more for pleasure and books on the craft of writing. Let’s hope I can stick to it.

Wishing you all a very Happy 2019. May you all prosper and reach your goals in the coming year.

Revenants Abroad Free through December 31

I decided to make Revenants Abroad free through the end of the year on Smashwords. Amazon doesn’t allow a price below .99 unless I put it into the KDP Select program, which I can’t do right now. I’m still hoping the Multnomah County Library will pick it up, and it has to be available on Smashwords for them to do it. So… it’ll be February sometime before I hear about that.

But, if you’ve been thinking about getting RA, please help yourself over on Smashwords. It’s available in multiple formats, including MOBI for Kindle. There are other reading apps you can get if  you don’t have a dedicated e-reader like a Kindle or a Kobo. Aldiko seems to be popular for Samsung phones, etc.

It’s a small thing, I realize this isn’t going to make your Christmas season, but if you’ve been thinking about reading it, now’s a good time to pick it up.

Don’t make me put a Santa hat on Neko. He wouldn’t appreciate it.

Happy Holidays!

2016, We’re Counting on You

I gave up making New Year’s resolutions years ago. Generally, it seems a week into the new year most are already forgotten. It’s not that I don’t have goals, but sometimes the resolutions I’ve made were not all that intrinsic to my interests or that important in the long term. Lose weight? Sure. Exercise more? Sure. Who doesn’t want to do those things?

Who sticks with any of that past January? Hmm? Raise your hand. Yeah, that’s what I thought. (Ok you, in the back: pipe down. You’re an anomaly)

Still, for the first time in years, I actually have three things I am resolved on for the coming year:

1. Read more. I signed up for the Goodreads reading challenge thingie last year, and hilariously said I was going to try to read 3o books in 2015. Counting a re-read of “Sense and Sensibility” I appear to have read seven. That’s pathetic. I stand here before you to confess my shame. I really need to make more of an effort.
2. Write more. Gotta get on the stick there and finish the first draft of  “Revenants Within,”  sequel to “Revenants Abroad.” I also have several other projects half-begun so I need to get with it.
3. Spend less time on Twitter and get back to posting more regularly here on the blog. Maybe even get my other website, ddsyrdal.com back up and functional. I still own the domain name, but let the site slide.

Best wishes to everyone for a healthy, happy, prosperous new year!

Here are a few recent photos:

Moon Dec 23

female mallard

American Wigeon

Black & White

Hooded merganser

Great blue heron

Hooded merganser

Punk duck

Survive the Holidays

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer on Christmas Eve when everyone just wants to party and have a good time, but I hope everyone can spare a thought for those who may be alone. I’ve spent more than one Christmas Eve alone (and other holidays, but we’ll skip that for now) and let me tell you, it is no fun, no matter how hard you try not to think about it, or distract yourself with movies or other things. Knowing that most people are cozied up with family and friends while you’re alone hurts. No one ever thinks to invite single friends over at Christmas, so we spend a lot of holidays alone.

If you are alone, and feel like you can’t handle it, please call someone. The Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the US is 1-800-273-8255.

If you’re in the UK, here is a page of resources: http://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/find_help.html

Here’s a page with links for Ireland, Scotland, and Wales: http://www.samaritans.org/

Ireland (toll free)  Call 116 123

Scotland and Wales:  08457 90 90 90

Wikipedia has a list of others.

If nothing else, find a church having a Christmas Eve service and go. You’ll be around people even if you’re not a churching type.

If you’re hanging out online, you can probably catch me on Twitter @ddsyrdal . I expect to be online most of the evening, as I usually am. I’m so used to being on my own on holidays I have no special plans or annual traditions for this night. I know how holidays magnify the loneliness and sense of isolation. I’m told I’m a good listener, but know I’m not a trained counselor.

Also know very few people have the fictional perfect Brady Bunch family (most of those kids were and are pretty dysfunctional). Some do, but plenty of people lie about it to keep up appearances. You’re not a freak, and you deserve to be happy.

Some Consolation

This is what I get for going to work when most people are on vacation/holiday.

It’s a driveway at one of the farms I pass, with their own streetlight, but we’ll just pretend it’s the moon, ‘k?

And these trees on the hill. I like silhouettes.

I did not set the camera to black and white, that’s what it looked like.

I did start to see some colors in the clouds a little further down the road, in places where the fog parted a bit. Mostly it was thick and gray this morning.

And here’s a thoroughly beautiful piece played by Portland guitarist Scott Kritzer. David Andrews’s “Christmas Youth” which was playing on the radio when I took that top pic. For more amazing music AllClassical.org is into their Festival of Carols. It’s four full days and nights of incomparably beautiful holiday music. If you’re not in the Portland area, you can click on the “Listen Now” and live stream it.

Happy Halloween! Blessed Samhain!

Please click the card for a Halloween greeting! Thank you to everyone who reads my little blog.